Yes I know I have been MIA, kinda like Gossip Girl when she went into a dark hideous. In a way I have been missing in action from my own life for the past few months. Between all the weddings and babies, I have been celebrating everyone but myself. I lost myself.
The great thing about things that are lost, is eventually they are found again. :)
Today I woke up and realized that my life has no agenda. It was a freeing and yet frightening feeling. What did I want to do with my day, what did I want to do with my life? There was no family obligations, no volunteer hours to log, and no pressing errands. I sat in that moment and felt back to where I was three years ago, at a fork in the road. I felt something higher then me calling to him. It was God calling me back to his fold. For the past few months I have been going through the motions, sabotaging my eon happiness to appease others and make it through the day. I've been doing what everyone else wanted me to do, and not listening to what my heart desired. I've been drowning that inner voice with lots of wine, carbs, and reality tv.
I did something I had never done before... I drove myself to church, walked in, and sat alone. I have never been to church alone. Tears started streaming down my face, not because I was sad, but because I was home...I was at peace, I was me again.
For the past year and a half I have been avoiding things. Specially church. I was running from dealing with all the emotions I have been feeling. With each worship song played, I grew in strength and visions of me came through. The sermon started with this line- "prayer is what changes things". I cannot change my world on my own, I need God.
I also realized that I have had such writers block for my blog because I didn't want to acknowledge the feelings I have been burying. Friends would say "we miss Savvy" and I would simply say I was too busy... Well duh, too busy running to the next event on my calendar.
After church I went to lunch by myself and shopped around. I came home and took a nap, and prayed that when I woke up that everything would be clearer. When I woke up, it was. I was me. I was ready to restart my engines on this thing called life.
I want to live each day to the fullest, and not rush through or wish my days away. I need to live myself and for God...not for what everyone else wants of me. For my friends and family reading this, please don't misinterpret my words. I love all the blessings that have happened over this year, I just need to do a better part of balancing my world! I need to independently celebrate the gifts given to me.
Every night I light my candle of Saint Anthony (the patron saint for lost things) and pray for my lost soul mate. Tonight I pray not only for my husband, but for the return of myself. I'd love if you would pray the same prayer with me.
